Caryn on Celebrating Chapter 4…Episode 6 The one Where I finish Radiation

Yesterday I finished 21 days of radiation!! Can I get a fuck yeah?! I silently wept the whole session and when I got to ring that bell, I openly wept like a big ass baby. I was afraid of radiation. I don’t know why. I’ve had chemo and my boobs amputated but for some reason, this one had me worried. It’s been a lot. Every day, except Sat and Sun, for 21 days in a row. My skin is cooked, I have had to get PT, I hurt and I am bone dead tired. And the effects won’t even peak for 2-3 weeks. Meaning it may get worse before it gets better. But it’s fucking done! And I am grateful. These are some of my favorite life savers…

We shared our lives for 3 weeks. It felt like it went on forever but our love of trashy reality tv, weekend wedding tales and pregnancy updates (certainly not mine!) made me look forward to my session every day. That was so unexpected and such a beautiful gift. I am so lucky to have found such a wonderful group of women who are doing their best to give me a long and healthy future. 

During this whole process I have found myself in some pretty huge, intimidating machines I have never seen before. Every day I laid on the table for radiation I thought to myself, how the fuck did I get here? Every single day. I’m still not sure why I was so afraid of this Chapter. It was the shortest of them. I just laid there and held my breath a lot, literally. I have figuratively been holding my breath for months. Waiting for treatment, test results, healing, appointments and ultimately a cancer free result at the end of all this. But today I am just going to celebrate the end of another chapter. 

RADIATION IS FUCKING DONE!!

Caryn on Cancer and Community…Episode 6 The One Where I’m Grateful for the People Along the Way

I sent my friend this text earlier this week, “I’m a little burned out. I’m tired of being cancery and not feeling good. I want to be done and have someone say, you’re fine! You’ll live to 100! Here’s a pumpkin spice latte and your life back! And here’s a big cash reward for giving up a year of your life!” She’s coming to town next week and said she’d bring a PSL and like, $10 in cash. It made me laugh and I am so lucky to have friends that can take an honest, my mood is shitty text and turn my spirits around in a moment

The next day another friend texted me about a last minute idea to go to an outdoor antiquey, market type thing. I’ve wanted to go to it for years. She turned my whole week around. And we are going to cure my funk with retail therapy and time with my friend of nearly 40 years. 

Cancer makes you take stock of your community. 

I am so fortunate to have the best friends and the most supportive family. It makes such a difference. Going through this alone would be horrible. I have deepened so many relationships during the past seven months. It is another cancer silver lining I am truly grateful for. 

Then there is the community I have grown in the past 6 months. Turns out, the people that help save your life are some of the kindest, coolest people you will ever meet. Oncology nurses, radiation techs, liaisons from every doctors office you visit…literally the best people. I hate how I’ve come to meet them but damn, I am so glad I have. They make this journey (I f ing hate that word) so much better. I’m telling you, sharing a love of trashy reality tv with someone you see 5 days a week for 5 weeks makes the grind of radiation enjoyable. I know, I sound crazy. Still, you provide life saving treatment AND you want to catch up on Love is Blind or F Boy Island…hell yeah! 

Finally, there are the ones LITERALLY going through it with you. The nice lady in the chemo chair next to you that points out your hair is growing back. The woman who is always before you in radiation, giving you a tired but sweet hello every day. The friend diagnosed right after you who isn’t grossed out but laughs at your, I was certain I shit my pants story. They are part of a community you never want to be in but they become a part of your beautiful, loving and supportive bunch. 

I can only speak for myself, but the long haul of cancer treatment can feel overwhelming and as I am about half way through it, I’m burned out. I’m tired, I don’t feel like myself, I don’t look like myself and I just want to feel normal again. So in times like this, I lean into my community. And they are always there. The people I’ve known and loved for years and the ones I’ve met along the way. If you’re reading this you are a part of my community and I want you to know, I will be forever grateful and you are part of the best cancer silver lining. 

Caryn on Chapters 3-5…Episode 5 the one with the plans

 Where do I begin? Four weeks ago today, I had a double mastectomy with a reconstructive Goldilocks procedure at the same time. I call it the scoop, roll up and staple procedure because they remove all the breast tissue and use leftover skin and boob fat to make new ones. It saved me from multiple surgeries and gave me a pretty easy recovery, so that was pleasing. However, I am going to be brutally honest here and admit that this Chapter has been hard, emotionally and mentally. Kind of a mind f@$&. As if I didn’t have body issues before as a peri menopausal woman, this has been really challenging. There have been some dark days. I can opt for implants at a later date but apparently that is easy peasy. So I have joined the itty bitty tittie committee…and the team T-shirt fits so much easier now. Chapter 3…DONE (ish)!!

So what’s next? My pathology from surgery showed a tiny bit of cancer in one of the lymph nodes they removed so we press forward in the hopes of killing any rogue cancer cells floating around looking to party in another part of me. I was given 2 options and chose the more difficult one in the hopes it will give me the best chance of never doing this cancer fuckery EVER AGAIN!! I am choosing to take part in another trial that is kind of a continuation of the first one. This means 2 more rounds of chemo, starting tomorrow! Then a second round in 3 weeks. After that, every 3 weeks for 14 rounds, I will have a low dose chemo drug and targeted treatment called Kadcyla. In addition to that I may or may not receive another drug (per the trial) that may or may not have some gnarly side effects. Fingers crossed I get it and don’t get the side effects. Lol. I’m gonna call this part Chapter 5 because it won’t end until sometime around April 2024. Chapter 4 will be radiation. Beginning on Aug 21, 5 days a week for 5 weeks. They call it the grind. Personally this whole f ing thing is pretty much a grind, if you ask me. So in an effort to be a patient with cancer vs a cancer patient, I would be remiss if I didn’t touch on some great life stuff happening! Nate turned 21 on July 5th…how did that happen so fast?! He can buy me my medical pot now!! Sweet!! And my radiation doc planned our entire treatment out so I can take Josh back to Colorado State in mid August and move him into his frat house. 

I always say I am the luckiest person! I have access to the best treatment. My support system is huge and amazing…that’s you!! My family is the best! I have insurance, nothing to do but heal and fight this! I am in the best place, with the best people and couldn’t be more grateful. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

FUCK CANCER!!

Caryn on Chapter 2…Episode 4 the one the day before surgery

 We are here! The day before my double mastectomy. If I’m being completely honest…I’m kind of (probably more than a little bit) freaking out. As prepared as I think I am, I feel totally unprepared for this next Chapter in the book of cancer. I had a wonderful week in the Bahamas with my people last week, relaxing in the sun, swimming with pigs and sting rays and basically trying to not think about my upcoming surgery. It was glorious! What to do today? Freak out! I mean, these boobs have been with me since the fifth grade!! I have had a love/hate relationship with my lady lumps for a lifetime. I have been pretty cavalier about “just taking them off” to save my life but now that it’s literally happening tomorrow, I am having some big feelings I’m not sure what to do with. I have always wanted to be a part of the itty bitty titty committee, so there’s that. Perky baby boobs at 51 is not terrible. They will go well with the fresh new hair I hope might grow back soon. Although I was super stoked to not have to shave my legs for a beach vacay for the first time EVER! Cancer silver lining. And on that note, I will continue to look for the silver linings in this sucky cancer journey (I hate that word!) and head into tomorrow with the hope that the surgery goes amazing and allows me to move on to the Chapter 3 and once we finish this book, I never have to open it again. I must again thank all of you, especially my freaking amazing family, for all the love and support. You rock!! I would be curled up in a ball in a corner if it weren’t for you. Let’s start planning the new boobie birthday party!! 

Caryn on Crushing Chemo Episode 3 the one where we are F%*cking done with chemo

 So much has happened since I've last updated. Chapter 1 in the f*$ck cancer tour is complete!! Four rounds of chemo and only one of them tried to kill me but Good Shepard gave me many a blood transfusion and fixed me right up. Chemo brain is strong, so I apologize for the lack of witty humor in this post. I truly can't complain though, my treatment has been tolerable and now I have a nice break to get stronger for my surgery on June 12th. I will be having a double mastectomy with reconstruction in the same surgery. I am very nervous but looking forward to Chapter 2 on the tour. I mean, my boobs are 51 and tried to kill me so a new pair sounds great! We are heading to the Bahamas before surgery for a bit of a Boob Voyage Vacay. So excited to spend time relaxing with a beachy cocktail and my people. 

Testing next week and after surgery will determine my ongoing treatment after surgery. There may be radiation and there will be targeted infusions for the rest of the year for sure. I am lucky to have a cancer that has good treatment options that have been highly researched. I am participating in a study out of Harvard (flunked out of ISU and 30+ years later cancer got me into Harvard!) and that makes me happy that my results may help others who have to go through this after me. 

I can't post an update without thanking everyone once again for the love and support you have surrounded me with. I have the most amazing community...truly. Flowers, cards, meals, texts, calls...it is constant and makes me happy every single day. How amazing is it to have cancer and still feel such happiness constantly? Such a gift. My friends and family are a constant blessing. Cancery Caryn is softer and kind of sappy and I don't always recognize her...snarky, sarcastic Caryn will return. I promise. Hopefully, along with my hair. 

Caryn on Cancer Christmas Episode 2 The one where she thanks you so so so much

To say I am blessed by the people in my life would be an understatement. Since telling people about my cancer, I have been sent the most thoughtful and generous gifts and well wishes by so many of you. It has been like Facebook on your birthday and Christmas as a kid, all rolled up into one. I would not wish this on anyone, but I wish every one of you could feel as loved and special as I have felt over the last month. You made my family dinner, you sent cards, you asked people who have been through this what I might need and dropped baskets full of the most creative and useful gifts I have ever received. The coloring books! I love them so much! You have reached out and sent funny memes and got me out of the house and have loved on me in so many unbelievable ways. I don't think thank you will ever be enough but THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart. I wanted every one of these blog posts to be funny and lighthearted, hence Cancer Christmas but truly...my cup runneth over, I am so very grateful for each one of you. I promise you that I will pay it forward once I am on the other side of this cancery chapter.

Fuck Cancer,

C

Caryn on Cancer Episode 1 The one where she introduces you to her cancer

 It’s been 24 days and 23 minutes since I was diagnosed with grade 3 her2+ invasive ductile carcinoma (are you singing this like “Nothing Compares to You”?). Actually, it’s been that long since the radiologist came back after looking at my ultrasound and said things did NOT look good. It took a lot of tests and scans and biopsies to come to the actual diagnosis. But I digress. This is a sucker punch to the senses and it’s been a lot to digest. I’m thinking I will chronicle this journey (I really hate that word) and give you all the good the bad and the ugly. Writing and humor help me process so here we are. I was supposed to start chemo today but insurance is being difficult. They are fucking exasperating. I don’t even think a human being even looked at anything to do with my treatment and they just kicked it out NOPE!! Thursday will be chemo day, fingers crossed. There’s nothing like being told you have aggressive cancer and then be told to wait to start curing it. F you very much United Healthcare. So hey, I hope you will follow me as I dive into 2023 boob first.  

Fuck Cancer,

C 😘